The End.

I am taking a break from this pathetic blog, need to focus on more important things in life. I feel like the more I write, the more I dwell on the past. So I am going to take a break, before my feelings start to linger...

Done.

A little sacrifice can go a long way, all for the better.

Grass.

It is killing me everything is black and white. Hard to see how the grass is greener on the other side when there isn't a flower planted...

"What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons"-A Beautiful Mind.

Fine Line.

Don't worry, I will make sure I won't cross the line this time...

"Just like a star across my sky, just like an angel off the page, You have appeared in my life. Feel like I'll never be the same, just like a song in my heart, just like oil on my hands, oh, I do love you"-Like a star, Corinne Bailey Rae.

Blank.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous"-Corinthians 13.

It is 2:30am, just had a talk with a friend. I don't really know how I feel about it. Maybe that is the problem. I don't know how I feel. The thing about love is sometimes what you want isn't really what you need... Or actually anybody's need. It is even more ridiculous because I play out these stupid scenarios in my head over and over again like a broken cassette player that won't stop. Sometimes I feel like I am beginning to get somewhere, then all it takes is a little reminder and I fall right back to where I started. I feel like I ended everything on a bad note, like a melody that wasn't finished or a blank patch on the canvas. I want to paint something new, but the uncertainty haunts me because following the brush strokes of a familiar path seem much more comfortable. I don't know why I keep on having these dilemmas, maybe I am just a fool that doesn't want to face the truth. Maybe that is why I left a blank spot on the canvas. I don't want to know the end when everything is concluded. I don't want to know how the picture is suppose to end. Even if I can paint that blank spot however I desire, I don't trust myself enough... Because I don't know what I want anymore. I want to change for the better, but tell me why do I feel this way...

"But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough 'cause it was not said to you and that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?"-Chasing Pavements, Adele.

Things.

Things that are too good to be true, are usually too good to be true...

Documentary: Finding Neverland.

Around half a year ago:
Situation: I need to find a place to live for the upcoming school year.

Reason: Two of my housemates are graduating.

Solution: I met person E through one of my housemate, who was also looking for a new place next year. Found a location that we can sublease to in a house that were filled with people we both know: A, B, C, D. Since person C and person D are moving out, we will replace them.

Condition of future house: Dirty, some rough stains on the carpet. Bathroom sticky. Smells like weed. Cleanable.

Condition in terms of beer pong: At least once a month.

Also around half a year ago:

Situation: Person F and person G decided to move into a townhouse that person H and person I lived in. Person I is moving out, thus freeing up the smaller room for person H to move in and person F and person G to move into the larger room.

Beginning of summer:

Situation: Turned in all the paperworks for the place. Confirmed I can move in on the 28th.

Reason: My deadline for moving out is 12pm on the 29th.

Condition of future house: Dirty, condition roughly the same.

Condition in terms of beer pong: Maybe twice a month.

Also beginning of summer:

Situation: Person G decided not to live with person F. Person F decided it would be better to get own room, thus taking over the smaller room person I is moving out from.

Day 8/27/9:

Situation: Got a text in the morning while working that I can move in on the 29th and a reminder to pay deposite money.

Reason: Person C did not pay attention to my deadline.

Solution: Decided to move only some of my boxes over.

Condition of future house: Extreme dirty, carpet stained, cat litter, broken dishwasher, toilet door missing, hole in bathroom door and wall reeks the stench of cigarettes.

Condition in terms of beer pong: At least once a week.

Solution: Talked to person E, agreed if I found a replacement I don't have to stay. Posted listing online.

Reason: Got into an argument with person C about deposite money, I felt it was unfair for me to pay for the mess that was made before me. Person C decided to lag on move out to 5pm on the 29th, a deadline I cannot make. I have to head back to the bay for work after the weekend. There was just no way for me to clean the place up, while cleaning my own apartment at the same time. Even if the place was cleaned to a liveable condition, there are still permanent damages in the house. Funny thing, people were over playing beer pong that night.

Day 8/28/9:

Situation: Person F agreed that I can room with him for a quarter and take over his lease. I got three replies from the listing I posted. Had a friend talk to person C about my perspective.

Solution: Found a person to take over my room and paid person C deposite money. I moved all my stuff to the new location.

Reason: I did not want to leave my previous agreed housemates paying for an empty room. It was interesting because when I was at the office with the person that was suppose to take over my lease, the office lady told me I did not sign the lease. All in all, I felt somewhat obligated to find someone before I leave, though it is not really my problem. I paid person C because I did not want to have a strain in our friendship. I felt sorry for person E, because a stranger is taking over my place instead.

Day 8/29/09:

Situation: Person F is still taking summer session, therefore needs a place to stay. Decided it would be best to move to the small room temporarily till session is over. I would come up after two weeks to help person H move into the small room.

Sometimes during the week:

Situation: Person J and Person K were going to live together in a two bedroom apartment. Person K decided last second to move out. Person J posted listings online.

Day 9/2/9:

Situation: Got a phone call at night from person F telling me I have to pay rent by the end of the week. Found out rent actually increased because there was an additional person living in the living room, which did not make any sense to me. Decided it would be safer for me to write the check in person, also person H already moved into the small room.

Solution: Drive up to Davis the next day after work to sort out the details and help move my stuff into the room.

Day 9/3/9:

Situation: Arrived at the new location, person F already moved furnitures into the big room. Found out even with the big room, I have hardily any space to place my desk. The only thing that really fits is my bed and maybe my minifridge. Checked out the bathroom for the first time and realized it was somewhat dirty. Also learned the hard way that it is ridiculously hard to find a parking for my car.

Condition of new house: Slightly dirty bathroom, toilet has stains and the bathtub has some moles.

Solution: I was not really happy with the living condition, just the whole ordeal about the rent, parking, sharing a room with someone and having four people living on one floor. I decided to look around for another place to stay. That afternoon, I helped my friend moved his mattress into his room and then finally got internet to look for a new place. Found on facebook that person J is looking for a housemate, so I texted. Got a reply back instantly saying I would be doing a huge favor to take over the room. Problem was that person H already moved into the small room and does not really want to move back to the big room. In the end, I compromised by agreeing to pay the difference between the big and the small room to person F in order to get out of my verbal agreement living with them.

Reason: I did not expect person H to move into the small room so quickly.

Day 9/4/9:

Situation: Finished moving in my furnitures, slept in the new apartment for the night early in the morning. When I woke up, got a call notifying me person E is moving to a new apartment. Huge relief because now I don't have to feel guilty about leaving. Amazing how everything worked out, I am extremely grateful for all my friends that were there to help me through...

Condition of future house: Spotless clean.

Actually, this one is for you...

Maybe.

I am just in love with the idea of her...

Figure it out.

"Later that day I got to thinking about stock market and dating. Are they really that different? If you have a bad stock, you could lose your shirt. If you have a bad date, you could lose your will to live. And if the date is good, the stake gets even higher. After weathering all the ups and downs, you could one day find yourself with nothing. So, when it comes to finance and dating, I couldn't help but wonder. Why do we keep investing?"-Sex and the City

What distinguishes human beings from the rest of the animal kingdom is probably the fact we possess one of the most malleable minds. Though this is true, our minds are also easily susceptible to irrational coercions. Especially when it comes to relationships, how often do we make senseless choices? Why do we keep on investing? Like stockholders holding on to downward stocks, more often or not people hold on to doomed relationships. A lot of this has to do with the idea of loss aversion, that people have a tendency to prefer avoiding losses than acquiring gains. I mean who doesn't want to see things in rose-tinted glasses? The coulds, the ifs, the maybes. Letting something go is like admitting to a loss. But like that song by shinedown, "Sometimes goodbye is a second chance"... If there is anything I learned from watching the awesome movie (500) days of summer, it is that life goes on. There is no point in dwelling on something that makes you feel unhappy, a new start is always out there if you are open for new chances. Everything I type here is hypothetically speaking of course, like most things in life everything is easier said than done. Emotions always get in the way, no one is rational when they are in love. I don't even know why I am hanging on... Can you even hold onto something that isn't there?

Desperate Houseboy.

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time"-Fight Club.

The highlight of my day officially revolves around doing simple household chores. I never thought this day would come, at least not this early into my summer vacation. While I was almost ecstatic a week ago dreaming of a well-deserved break, like a dog letting off a leash into freedom, I soon realized my freedom was confined by my boredom. I am not a stranger to boredom. In fact, for as long as I remember... I loved doing absolutely nothing. I can almost compare my lifestyle to that of a pig: eat, bath, sleep, repeat. But now that I am older, I am beginning to cherish the transient value of time much more. I recall watching "The 650 Pound Virgin" and one of the questions I had while watching it was, how did he get that way in the first place? Well, Rome wasn't built in one day. But while his case might be extreme, who doesn't indulge in the joy of laziness once in awhile? I certainly am guilty of it. Laziness is like an addiction, the key is to stop the onset early before one falls into a downward spiral of abysmal slump... Anyways, to keep myself busy I bought two books to read for the summer. I should start a book-reading club haha. Besides that, I have decided to keep myself in shape with the one hundred pushups challenge. Also, I am going to volunteer at the local hospital depending on my friday interview. Got my TB test done today, I pray that it doesn't swell... that would suck lots...

80/20.

I first heard about the 80/20 rule from my housemate. The axiom in a gist states that supposedly you are going out with a person, she might be perfect, less than, or not. Assumption is that she satisfies you 80%, despite the trivial percentage, you will always be curious about the other 20%. So eventually, you dump what was your 80 to pursue the 20, only to find that you were content with the 80 but things can never go back like the way it was before. The 80/20 rule serves as a reminder to prevent such situation from happening...

Ideally, everyone wants to find that perfect someone out there. But in a world with roughly 6.77 billion people, what are the chances? The chance of finding a perfect girl is near impossible, for the most part the 80/20 rule is practical. However, the 80/20 rule actually originates from economics. The specific presumption states that to achieve higher productivity one should only focus on the 20. The obvious dilemma, there is no way of knowing exactly how much the 80 is worth if you don't know the 20 and the chance of finding the perfect girl increases after each succession, presumptively...

Like most things, there are two sides to every story. In a sense, what it comes down to is how much an individual values the relationship. There are always trade-offs and no one is perfect. It just saddens me sometimes I see my friends date horrible people and settle down. I never really say anything because they clearly find some sort of meaning despite all the mess. On the other hand, there are individuals that never appreciate anything and are always on a chase...

In many ways, the 80/20 rule is very much like a visit to an ice-cream shop. Girls are like the different flavors that can be selected and sampled. So many flavors out there to try, how do you know which one is your favorite? For me, I already know what my favorite flavor is. It never gets old and it is the only thing I ask for whenever I am in an ice-cream shop. I am actually on a diet right now, so sticking with the non-fat yogurt. But I still get the cravings for some good ol' ice-cream from time to times :]

Cupcake Carcrash.

So after I bought some cupcakes for my friend today at Sprinkles, I managed to get myself in a car accident. The scenario went down like this, I was backing out of my parking space. As usual, the parking lot consists of a two way traffic flow, a debatable point I will get back on later. There was already another car waiting for me in the back when I was backing out, this car was on the right lane. When I backed out my car, I wanted to turn right so instead of exiting the busy street I can weave my way through traffic and find a less occupied exit. But while I was backing out, the car behind the car that was waiting for my spot decided to drive up through the left lane. So this moment in time, my car was turned to the right with nowhere to go because both lanes were blocked. The only solution then for me is to park my car in again, back out, and make a left into the street instead of right. I did just that. But what do you know? While backing out, the car in the left lane decided to drive for whatever reason. The aftermath was a dent on the right front fender, my car was scratch free...

The real story begins here. I got out of my car to talk to the people from the other car. I was a little bit frustrated because for starter, the accident happened because some people have no etiquette and patience at driving. Anyways, so I went to the window of the passenger side and the first thing the lady said to me was, "I have cancer. I just got out of chemo therapy. Do you want to exchange insurance information?" that caught me completely off guard. So for the next ten minutes or so, I was like apologizing to her. I told her I didn't want to go through insurance. For some reason, all of the sudden everything felt like my fault. I even sent an email to her apologizing. But the thing is... now I think about it, I don't think it was my fault at all. Her driver was arguing that because there was not a yellow-dotted line on the road, it was not a two way traffic. But that is just ridiculous, aside from that Mrs. Cancer lady wasn't even the one driving...

Everytime I would state my case and talk about it with the driver, Mrs. Cancer lady would be like, "I can't handle this right now". The driver even asked me this stupid question, "why did you back your car in again?" I mean, are you serious... first you blocked traffic, second you went against the traffic, how is it any of it my fault? If anything, I am the victim of an impulsive driver that did not followed the traffic rules. Anyways, I am not exactly sure if I am at fault or not because I did hit the side of her car. I am pretty sure if she hit my car first, then that would be a completely different story. I think I am actually going to talk to my insurance about it. I have a lot of sympathy for people, but I am also an honest person. Seriously though, just because someone have cancer does not mean they are always right... and to use that as leverage in an argument, I don't know what to think...

Postscript: After talking to my insurance agent, I found out the car accident was not my fault. She told me to stop contacting the lady, email and phone. If she still thinks it is my fault, she can file for her insurance claim and explain the situation to her insurance agency. The lady did not give me her driver's information and license plate number, so I cannot trust her by exchanging information with her through the phone. The most reliable way is to wait for the insurance call. With that being said, I guess I will be spending the remainder of summer waiting for that call...

Night 7/9/9.

Tried my first Liquid Cocain at the bar yesterday, the 151 was quite a sensation. Afterwards went to Ketmoree, the infamous bar in Davis where dirty dancing happens on a thursday night. The set-up of the place was not bad. This was actually the first time I got in, previous attempts have been cut short due to my lack of patience waiting in line to get grind on. I was never really into the whole idea of dancing in a bar. Yesterday was no different, so I decided last minute to watch the midnight showing of Brüno with couple drunk friends. Good thing I was kind of gone when I watched the movie or else I would have remembered many more instances of a certain male body part flashing on the big screen. Overall the movie was alright, the high-rating on rottentomatoes was kind of hyped. I couldn't help but wonder whom the target audience for Brüno are. All I can say is, the movie was pretty gay even from a homosexual standpoint...

Friend.

"Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago. Everything is changing."-The Raw Shark Texts, Steven Hall.

Question: How do you really know someone?

I don't think there is any possible way to know someone completely. I mean that is the beauty of being alive right? You never know when people will surprise you. So I started off this entry aiming at a discussion on couple relationships, but today I did something really stupid and it made me ponder why I did it. Basically I put salt on my wrist and pressed it really hard with ice, the result is a numb wrist and a scar. My friend told me it is a "rite of passage", I did it without any questions asked. Afterwards, it kind of makes me wonder... Why am I always down to do stupid shit with my friends?! Then I realized, it is because we share a tacit agreement. I trust them. I mean that is really all you can ask for in any relationship. No matter what I do, they will always have my back. No matter how long I haven't hangout with them, everytime I head back home I can kick it with them like it was yesterday. A friend really is just a long and close companion...

I finally figured this out. I want to be your friend, even if I am just a friend. I was too attached to the ideas and the outcomes. I guess sometimes I am just too stubborn to think I can free myself from these attachments along the string of consequences. I mean, how often do we make mistakes of thinking what we want is actually what we need? Sometimes the most selfless thing is also the most selfish thing. If there is anything to take away, I was being selfish. There are so many opportunities to get to know you more as a person if I just open myself up to the possibilities. I was too attached and fixated on what will happen in the end that I completely forgot what it means to be a friend... Hope I am not too late...

"I could have met you in a sandbox. I could have passed you on the sidewalk. Could I have missed my chance and watched you walked away?"-Love song for no one, John Mayer.

Summer 6/28.

Only the first week of summer session... for some reason it feels ridiculously slow. Life is somewhat lacking in variety, partly due to the burning sensation coming from the sun that consumes slowly through the brim of my sanity. A lot of times I have these awesome ideas such as jogging in the park, only to find that once I opened the door I am immediately swept away by a chariot of fire. I never felt so drained before, can't wait till I am done with everything so I can be baptized by the ocean and splash my new life away at the beach... Oh how wonderful it is to listen to the waves crashing in-and-out and to enjoy the chill summer breeze. Just five more weeks left...

EVOL Backwards.

Just sitting on my bed right now... I can't sleep. Don't you hate it when that happens? For some odd reason, I have all these clouded thoughts in my head. I don't really know what to do about them, so figure I will just start typing away... maybe they would make more sense afterwards.

So recently I turned 21, still a boy and counting. This begs the big question: Why am I still single? Okay, part of the reason is because I want it that way. I will elaborate on that later. But the other part scares me... What if I am inadequate for love?

Am I? I don't know. Let's examine my love life, or lack-of. From highschool till now I only really liked four girls. The first girl, she was this hot korean girl in my history and algebra class. I actually don't really remember how this story began. I was really shy back then and for some I-still-don't-know-till-this-day reason she found out that I liked her. It was ironic because I wasn't really a popular kid, but she managed to find my sn. So we talked. Nothing really happened though because our social groups were too different. Back then I was only four years integrated into the system, dating a girl like her was way out of my league. I was still talking with a somewhat broken english, in fact I think my hair was still brown back then. She was whitewashed, had a popular white ex-boyfriend, white friends, you get the idea. I didn't have enough confidence to tell her how I feel about her face to face. Still, I bought her a teddy bear on her birthday, a necklace on valentine's day, and numerous candy grams for no apparent reason even after I moved on... I guess that was my way of sending her a friendly gesture. Last time I talked to her was before college, she was deciding which sorority to pledge.

Now I think about it, all of the girls I have liked in highschool are in a different sorority. Isn't that interesting? Anyways the second girl I liked, we actually started out as friends. She was cute in her own ways. It was the first time I felt all tingly inside. I met her through family friend and youth group. Like I said, she was pretty cute. But things didn't start to get serious until one summer, our parents decided to sign the both of us up for art programs in San Francisco. Each day on the train I would learn something new about her and she would tell me about her boy problems. It was the first time I found out I was a pretty good listener. It was also the first time I found out how much listening to someone that you have feelings for talking about someone else sucked. I didn't want to proclaim my feelings for her back then because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendships. And so our friendship lasted and I never made a move...

What happened next? Well things got a little bit more complicated. So thinking I would never get with the second girl, I guess my heart just moved on with time. This is when the third girl I liked entered the story. She was really pretty and for some reason I was attracted to her sarcasm. Now, this part of the story really has nothing to do with anything but it was by far one of the worst things I have ever done in my life. Story short, the second girl asked me to sadies and I rejected her because I liked the third girl at the time. Well my exact words were "maybe", I didn't know what to do back then. I was a boy, in addition a somewhat selfish one. The important lesson I took away from all of this is that... When someone put his/her heart on the line, treat it kindly. I still talk to the second girl from time to times. The whole incident still kind of haunts me till this day, but it shaped me into a better person. Oh I forgot to mention, I did end up going to sadies with her and had a wonderful time. Bittersweet memory I suppose...

Sorry, got a bit sidetracked. So what about the third girl? Well, I asked her to prom junior year. My feelings for her were up and down for a good three years. To be honest, I don't think she ever liked me. Which was kind of sad haha... but I mean I enjoyed her company. I talked to her everyday. I don't even remember what we talked about, but there was always something to talk about. Even though a part of me knew she doesn't like me, a part of me felt like if I just remained persistent...one day something would happen. That day never came. Eventually she got a boyfriend and I experienced my first heartbreak in freshmen year. After that I told myself I would put my heart on lock until after college...

Life was good being single, not really looking for any serious relationship. This all changed though, when I met the fourth girl. There was something about her... She had the best smile out of all the girls I have liked in the past. I loved her sense of humor and her subtle jokes. She was simple, but complex at the same time. She was geniuinely nice and that was hard to find. She had the look, the personality, she was the complete package. I only met her like couple months ago... but everything about her felt just right. Maybe that was the problem, she was too perfect. Everytime I hungout with her, I couldn't help but feel like I am intruding in her perfect life. Also, all her housemates were having troubles of their own... I felt like it would be inappropriate to talk about relationships with her. Besides that I don't really have any friends in common with her and she had only met me for a short period. So I tried my best to keep my feelings aside whenever I hungout with her. Of course, everything changed last week. She was going to be in socal the whole summer, I didn't know what to do. With all that bottled emotions, I went to her house at 2am in the morning and told her "I like her"...

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?! AT 2AM!? WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I had a whole speech planned out, but once she opened that door... My mind went blank. It was by far the most impulsive, spontaneous, erratic, unconsidered, unreasonable, UNPLANNED thing I have ever done. It was the first time I told a girl face to face I like her during the time I was still in love. If only it had been a little bit more romantic, instead of me trying to pull myself together the whole time. The whole experience must have been so awkward for her, but she was being so nice about it. She even gave me a hug at the end of the night...

The next day, I woke up... Proceeded to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, took a shower. I wasn't even sad about it. Everything felt like a dream. Unreal. Then the next day, I started to feel the repercussions. I couldn't help but wonder what if I never told her, would I have a better chance with her in the future? What if I presented myself differently, would her response be different? Maybe I needed more confidence? I should have opened up to her more and the list goes on...

Not everyone knows, but my favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast. Aside from the awesome action sequence, the beautiful musical, and the obvious moral lesson of how love shouldn't be shallow, Beauty and the Beast is a classic masterpiece. The Beast practically did everything wrong and still gets the girl in the end. Some might call that imprisonment, arrogant, persistent but it was all for love, nothing but love. It is worthy to note that the Beast did let Belle go back to town eventually and it was upon her choice of returning...

I feel like my relationship with her was kind of rocky from the very start and I am pretty sure I did just about everything wrong in front of her. But I guess a part of me was still clinging on to that last hope of a fairytale ending... In a sense, I am glad nothing more happened. Had she said yes, I would have gone down in history as the guy that had the most unromantic proposal. She deserves better than that. Of all the girls I have liked in the past that I should have taken a chance with, I am glad I took my chance with her. I honestly can't say I know her better than the other girls, but one thing is for sure... She appreciates the little things that I have done for her and that is all that matters. Where do I go from here? I don't know, but I think I will be fine...

21 years and counting...

Dive.

I don't know why. Took a chance, took a shot. Not enough. Jumped into the deep end for a change, I hear we live with what we run from...

On Hold.

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I don't know what she have been to me, but it sure feels like something good for me. She is like that missing piece of the puzzle that completes the perfect picture. There is something about the way she projects herself, she is like a perfume that fills the air with elegance. Her movements so delicate and the delivery of her words flow with eloquence. I can't help but feel like a beast because she is of all things beauty. She embeds the word fine in refine. I can't even compare because she is like a constant reminder of the change I want to see in me. All I can offer her is an unchanging piece of mind through fate or time. But this isn't a fairytale, this is actual. I feel like I am running out on borrowed time. Perhaps one day, all the love I give will come back to me if she is ever so kind. Meanwhile let me be an option that will always be, if she ever feels incline...

UP UP AND AWAY.

"UP" is an awesome movie. I don't even know where to begin... I think UP might be my new favorite pixar movie. It is that good. Just thinking about the movie makes me want to watch it again... All I can say is within the first 10 minutes of the movie, my heart melted. The movie is so uplifting, I wanted to believe the house can fly up with the balloons in the sky. UP definitely brings out the kid in me, but at the same time keeping the story real and sentimental for the more mature side of me haha. Not only did I finished an adventure, I travelled through all the different shades of emotion. Anyways, I am not going to spoil the movie for people that haven't watched it yet so I'll just end this entry with one of my favorite lines from the movie, "I hid under the porch because I love you"... hehehe UP is soooooooo awesome :]

Overdue.

Time to take a moment and reflect on my life... I guess life is pretty good right now. I don't know why I say "pretty" a lot. What I mean is, life is good. But there is always that uncertainty, sort of. I just want to be able to brace for whatever that may come my way, for better or worse. I  know sometimes I am confused too as to how my brain works. Anyways, I haven't updated for awhile so this will be a long entry... 

Definition of cheating: 

So the other day, I was hanging out at this girl's house. She had a bunch of magazines, so I picked one up and started reading. Girl magazines are so dirty. Anyways, while I was perusing I encountered this article on the definition of cheating. The article in a gist gives out all these situations and surveys from the readers as to whether or not one is cheating or not. Example such as, is it cheating if: He was dirty dancing with a girl, sex-texting, got a lapdance at a stripclub, sleeping on the same bed with a girl etc. I know most of these are really obvious, but these situations got me thinking about all the other possibilities. Recently one of my friend broke up with her boyfriend because she danced with another guy. She then proceed to hangout with the same guy like almost every single day. Is that cheating? I mean the obvious answer is no, because they broke up. But isn't that kind of like emotionally cheating? I don't know the whole story so I am not going to judge. Just something I was thinking about while reading the article... 

ETD POP.: 

Speaking of cheating, I had my own unexpected experience at ETD POP this year. So, I guess I was taking care of this girl. We were both having fun, dancing was okay, massaging was okay, but all of the sudden she wanted to makeout with me and that was not okay. I stopped every single time, but I don't know how I feel should feel about it. Like, this is like the first time I experienced the "it just happened" dilemma. If you don't know what I am talking about, "it just happened" refers to the situation that happens in chick flicks all the time, when this girl really likes this guy, and he is seen accidently kissing with another girl? He tries to explain to the girl, but all he can come up with is "it just happened". I am single, so technically it is not really cheating. But I felt like I was cheating because my heart belongs to another girl. I know, guys are stupid. I should have never put myself in the situation in the first place. I mean nothing really happened and I was taking care of her, the whole situation could have been much worse... 

But should I tell the girl I like what happened?! A part of me is really bothered by this, I don't know why. I really want to just tell her everything, but I am scared at the same time she might view me differently. Most certainly I am going to tell her in the future, that I am sure of though... 

Extraneous: 

While watching the NBA today, there was a short interview on Chris "Birdman" Andersen. He was banned from the NBA two years for using cocaine, meph and everything bad. But now he is sober and still flying high... that made me realized how much I have going for my life right now. I think it is time to for me to end a certain chapter of my life. Life is wonderful and I want to appreciate things just the way they are. Anyways, today I finally decided to check out Susan Boyle's performance to see what all the hype is about. All I can say is she did not disappoint, her voice was very alluring. I almost cried viewing the performance, there was something magical and enchanting about it. The song was very beautiful and her delivery was spot on... I don't care what other people say, she is 47 years old. I watched the clip knowing the performance was going to be good, but I never expected the performance to be such a delux delight... 

Understand.

So lately I have been contemplating... a lot about relationships. Sometimes I wonder what is the point of it all? I have seen so many relationships fall apart. I feel like a part of me has become a skeptic towards the whole concept of a contiguous love. There are certianly people out there that are just pure pleasure seekers that never bother to stop and look for love. I mean I don't know... being single all of my life, I feel like I am always in search of something. But everytime the opportunity arises, so many thoughts and questions about the future blitz into my mind. Sometimes I feel like it is as if my mind was paralyzed by the idea of love. Where is the what, if the what is the why? what? exactly. I want it bad, really bad. I just don't want to mess it up because of my indecisions. Forgive me for my indecisions. The idea of love has been in me for the longest time, but this is all brand new...

Random-ish-ness.

I mean seriously what is the point of playing cards if I already know the hands... I think my head finally calmed down a little bit, which is funny because I have a midterm in four more hours... I am really calm right now. I don't even know why I am contemplating about random stuff at this odd hour. Maybe my head just want to take a break and think about... happier thoughts. Oh the possibilities... Just kidding, but on the real though I feel like I am passed the infatuation phase. No one really cares, but to me this is like a major breakthrough. I feel like I can finally act more normal and comfortable around her without overwhelming myself with doubts. No girls like guys without confidence. Right? right! No girls like guys that approach them awkwardly. Right? right! Then again I am ridiculously calm right now, I feel like I stayed up way over my bedtime for my brain to actually filter anything through... But reading my last couple of entries I feel kind of ridiculous. Then again, I guess that is the fun part of it all, the little mind games my head is playing. I just haven't really felt this way about a girl in a really longtime. There are still a lot of questions I have for myself, but I feel like as long as I take it easy I will figure them out eventually. So, just take a deep breath, no need to panic :] Happy face, I have everything to gain and nothing to lose... 

Curious.

Just breathe, just be yourself. Why is it I can't help but feel nervous around her? It is so easy to be myself when there is nothing on the line. Don't think about getting into a relationship... Approach it as a friend. I am. I am trying. But what if she really wanted a white knight to sweep her off her feet? I can't help but feel conflicted if I should've this or could've that. Too many unknowns in building this mass that might amount to nothing in the end. I know this is like totally not the right attitude to approach this... gah infatuation fucking sucks. bleh. cliche. This whole thing is like reading a mystery novel. I don't know the end until I finish reading the book. But I keep taking pauses to think what the plot might be, I wish I can just know... 

Detachment.

Detachment (noun)- the act of detaching, the condition of being detached, aloofness, as from worldly affairs or from the concerns of others. I don't know why, but sometimes I just fall head over hell for girls. Typo intended. Actually it is not that bad, but it is just like... It is especially hard when you have feelings for someone to like talk to them normally without like s-s-s-stuttering or sounding stupid. I feel like I am getting judged on the spot and everything I say is recorded to be analyzed later. I hate getting nervous. I can talk to girls normally when I have no feelings for them. I wish I can have more control over my emotions right now. I mean it is not wrong to have feelings for people right? I just feel like these feelings right now I don't need because they only hinder the progress of me getting to know her on a different level. So in a sense, I want to detach myself from liking her... so I can get to know her and like her more. I know this whole thing sounds kind of self-contradictory, but hey who said love is rational anyways? 

Dream-umm...

Have you ever met someone... and immediately took on a liking for her? Now I think about it, this whole situation comes off a little strange even for myself. I mean to be honest the only things I know about her are the brief moments I hungout with her. The things she said, the questions I asked, now what? What am I suppose to say. Sometimes I wish there is a sign laid out for me to read... Take a risk, step up a little more, take a blow, say a little more. I don't know where this will lead and how my actions will ripple into the consequences when this chapter ends. There is just something about her, I think it is her smile. Her beautiful smile. Movements of her cheeks, her freckles. Her eyes, her electric gaze. Sometimes I feel my heart skips a beat whenever she is around. Her face a little flush. Mine a little blush. She is like a fever I want to catch. My thought engrossed by the vibe she brought. I wonder if she believes in love too or is that too soon?...

A walk in the park.

A walk in the park sure did the job. I was on the swings for the first time in a very longtime. When I close my eyes, I can almost feel the world around me. The cold breeze surrounded me and I felt the movement of the wind. My center of gravity swayed back and forth. I never felt so small in this world before. I opened my eyes and stared at the blue sky. The clouds seem to convey a message. My sky began to blur with the cloud as if an eclipse of white smoke overshadowed my eyes. I closed my eyes. When I opened them up again, I was looking at the playground. I sat down on the round-and-round and my friend spinned me around. I looked up and for a second I saw a panoramic view of the world. I got up, feeling a little dizzy from the playground and laid on the grass. My fingers brushed against the grass, the tingly sensation crawled up my spine. I began to watch the clouds again in the sky. This time instead of blurred images, I saw explosions in the sky. An infinite and continous stream of random geometric shapes morphing, each explosion closer to me as if I stared at it long enough the clouds will engulf me whole. Time had no place in my world when my mind was so occupied by the patterns in this world. I walked the familiar path that I have traveled many times before on the way back, but each moment was a separate path home.