Overdue.

Time to take a moment and reflect on my life... I guess life is pretty good right now. I don't know why I say "pretty" a lot. What I mean is, life is good. But there is always that uncertainty, sort of. I just want to be able to brace for whatever that may come my way, for better or worse. I  know sometimes I am confused too as to how my brain works. Anyways, I haven't updated for awhile so this will be a long entry... 

Definition of cheating: 

So the other day, I was hanging out at this girl's house. She had a bunch of magazines, so I picked one up and started reading. Girl magazines are so dirty. Anyways, while I was perusing I encountered this article on the definition of cheating. The article in a gist gives out all these situations and surveys from the readers as to whether or not one is cheating or not. Example such as, is it cheating if: He was dirty dancing with a girl, sex-texting, got a lapdance at a stripclub, sleeping on the same bed with a girl etc. I know most of these are really obvious, but these situations got me thinking about all the other possibilities. Recently one of my friend broke up with her boyfriend because she danced with another guy. She then proceed to hangout with the same guy like almost every single day. Is that cheating? I mean the obvious answer is no, because they broke up. But isn't that kind of like emotionally cheating? I don't know the whole story so I am not going to judge. Just something I was thinking about while reading the article... 

ETD POP.: 

Speaking of cheating, I had my own unexpected experience at ETD POP this year. So, I guess I was taking care of this girl. We were both having fun, dancing was okay, massaging was okay, but all of the sudden she wanted to makeout with me and that was not okay. I stopped every single time, but I don't know how I feel should feel about it. Like, this is like the first time I experienced the "it just happened" dilemma. If you don't know what I am talking about, "it just happened" refers to the situation that happens in chick flicks all the time, when this girl really likes this guy, and he is seen accidently kissing with another girl? He tries to explain to the girl, but all he can come up with is "it just happened". I am single, so technically it is not really cheating. But I felt like I was cheating because my heart belongs to another girl. I know, guys are stupid. I should have never put myself in the situation in the first place. I mean nothing really happened and I was taking care of her, the whole situation could have been much worse... 

But should I tell the girl I like what happened?! A part of me is really bothered by this, I don't know why. I really want to just tell her everything, but I am scared at the same time she might view me differently. Most certainly I am going to tell her in the future, that I am sure of though... 

Extraneous: 

While watching the NBA today, there was a short interview on Chris "Birdman" Andersen. He was banned from the NBA two years for using cocaine, meph and everything bad. But now he is sober and still flying high... that made me realized how much I have going for my life right now. I think it is time to for me to end a certain chapter of my life. Life is wonderful and I want to appreciate things just the way they are. Anyways, today I finally decided to check out Susan Boyle's performance to see what all the hype is about. All I can say is she did not disappoint, her voice was very alluring. I almost cried viewing the performance, there was something magical and enchanting about it. The song was very beautiful and her delivery was spot on... I don't care what other people say, she is 47 years old. I watched the clip knowing the performance was going to be good, but I never expected the performance to be such a delux delight... 

Understand.

So lately I have been contemplating... a lot about relationships. Sometimes I wonder what is the point of it all? I have seen so many relationships fall apart. I feel like a part of me has become a skeptic towards the whole concept of a contiguous love. There are certianly people out there that are just pure pleasure seekers that never bother to stop and look for love. I mean I don't know... being single all of my life, I feel like I am always in search of something. But everytime the opportunity arises, so many thoughts and questions about the future blitz into my mind. Sometimes I feel like it is as if my mind was paralyzed by the idea of love. Where is the what, if the what is the why? what? exactly. I want it bad, really bad. I just don't want to mess it up because of my indecisions. Forgive me for my indecisions. The idea of love has been in me for the longest time, but this is all brand new...

Random-ish-ness.

I mean seriously what is the point of playing cards if I already know the hands... I think my head finally calmed down a little bit, which is funny because I have a midterm in four more hours... I am really calm right now. I don't even know why I am contemplating about random stuff at this odd hour. Maybe my head just want to take a break and think about... happier thoughts. Oh the possibilities... Just kidding, but on the real though I feel like I am passed the infatuation phase. No one really cares, but to me this is like a major breakthrough. I feel like I can finally act more normal and comfortable around her without overwhelming myself with doubts. No girls like guys without confidence. Right? right! No girls like guys that approach them awkwardly. Right? right! Then again I am ridiculously calm right now, I feel like I stayed up way over my bedtime for my brain to actually filter anything through... But reading my last couple of entries I feel kind of ridiculous. Then again, I guess that is the fun part of it all, the little mind games my head is playing. I just haven't really felt this way about a girl in a really longtime. There are still a lot of questions I have for myself, but I feel like as long as I take it easy I will figure them out eventually. So, just take a deep breath, no need to panic :] Happy face, I have everything to gain and nothing to lose... 

Curious.

Just breathe, just be yourself. Why is it I can't help but feel nervous around her? It is so easy to be myself when there is nothing on the line. Don't think about getting into a relationship... Approach it as a friend. I am. I am trying. But what if she really wanted a white knight to sweep her off her feet? I can't help but feel conflicted if I should've this or could've that. Too many unknowns in building this mass that might amount to nothing in the end. I know this is like totally not the right attitude to approach this... gah infatuation fucking sucks. bleh. cliche. This whole thing is like reading a mystery novel. I don't know the end until I finish reading the book. But I keep taking pauses to think what the plot might be, I wish I can just know... 

Detachment.

Detachment (noun)- the act of detaching, the condition of being detached, aloofness, as from worldly affairs or from the concerns of others. I don't know why, but sometimes I just fall head over hell for girls. Typo intended. Actually it is not that bad, but it is just like... It is especially hard when you have feelings for someone to like talk to them normally without like s-s-s-stuttering or sounding stupid. I feel like I am getting judged on the spot and everything I say is recorded to be analyzed later. I hate getting nervous. I can talk to girls normally when I have no feelings for them. I wish I can have more control over my emotions right now. I mean it is not wrong to have feelings for people right? I just feel like these feelings right now I don't need because they only hinder the progress of me getting to know her on a different level. So in a sense, I want to detach myself from liking her... so I can get to know her and like her more. I know this whole thing sounds kind of self-contradictory, but hey who said love is rational anyways? 

Dream-umm...

Have you ever met someone... and immediately took on a liking for her? Now I think about it, this whole situation comes off a little strange even for myself. I mean to be honest the only things I know about her are the brief moments I hungout with her. The things she said, the questions I asked, now what? What am I suppose to say. Sometimes I wish there is a sign laid out for me to read... Take a risk, step up a little more, take a blow, say a little more. I don't know where this will lead and how my actions will ripple into the consequences when this chapter ends. There is just something about her, I think it is her smile. Her beautiful smile. Movements of her cheeks, her freckles. Her eyes, her electric gaze. Sometimes I feel my heart skips a beat whenever she is around. Her face a little flush. Mine a little blush. She is like a fever I want to catch. My thought engrossed by the vibe she brought. I wonder if she believes in love too or is that too soon?...

A walk in the park.

A walk in the park sure did the job. I was on the swings for the first time in a very longtime. When I close my eyes, I can almost feel the world around me. The cold breeze surrounded me and I felt the movement of the wind. My center of gravity swayed back and forth. I never felt so small in this world before. I opened my eyes and stared at the blue sky. The clouds seem to convey a message. My sky began to blur with the cloud as if an eclipse of white smoke overshadowed my eyes. I closed my eyes. When I opened them up again, I was looking at the playground. I sat down on the round-and-round and my friend spinned me around. I looked up and for a second I saw a panoramic view of the world. I got up, feeling a little dizzy from the playground and laid on the grass. My fingers brushed against the grass, the tingly sensation crawled up my spine. I began to watch the clouds again in the sky. This time instead of blurred images, I saw explosions in the sky. An infinite and continous stream of random geometric shapes morphing, each explosion closer to me as if I stared at it long enough the clouds will engulf me whole. Time had no place in my world when my mind was so occupied by the patterns in this world. I walked the familiar path that I have traveled many times before on the way back, but each moment was a separate path home.