EVOL Backwards.

Just sitting on my bed right now... I can't sleep. Don't you hate it when that happens? For some odd reason, I have all these clouded thoughts in my head. I don't really know what to do about them, so figure I will just start typing away... maybe they would make more sense afterwards.

So recently I turned 21, still a boy and counting. This begs the big question: Why am I still single? Okay, part of the reason is because I want it that way. I will elaborate on that later. But the other part scares me... What if I am inadequate for love?

Am I? I don't know. Let's examine my love life, or lack-of. From highschool till now I only really liked four girls. The first girl, she was this hot korean girl in my history and algebra class. I actually don't really remember how this story began. I was really shy back then and for some I-still-don't-know-till-this-day reason she found out that I liked her. It was ironic because I wasn't really a popular kid, but she managed to find my sn. So we talked. Nothing really happened though because our social groups were too different. Back then I was only four years integrated into the system, dating a girl like her was way out of my league. I was still talking with a somewhat broken english, in fact I think my hair was still brown back then. She was whitewashed, had a popular white ex-boyfriend, white friends, you get the idea. I didn't have enough confidence to tell her how I feel about her face to face. Still, I bought her a teddy bear on her birthday, a necklace on valentine's day, and numerous candy grams for no apparent reason even after I moved on... I guess that was my way of sending her a friendly gesture. Last time I talked to her was before college, she was deciding which sorority to pledge.

Now I think about it, all of the girls I have liked in highschool are in a different sorority. Isn't that interesting? Anyways the second girl I liked, we actually started out as friends. She was cute in her own ways. It was the first time I felt all tingly inside. I met her through family friend and youth group. Like I said, she was pretty cute. But things didn't start to get serious until one summer, our parents decided to sign the both of us up for art programs in San Francisco. Each day on the train I would learn something new about her and she would tell me about her boy problems. It was the first time I found out I was a pretty good listener. It was also the first time I found out how much listening to someone that you have feelings for talking about someone else sucked. I didn't want to proclaim my feelings for her back then because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendships. And so our friendship lasted and I never made a move...

What happened next? Well things got a little bit more complicated. So thinking I would never get with the second girl, I guess my heart just moved on with time. This is when the third girl I liked entered the story. She was really pretty and for some reason I was attracted to her sarcasm. Now, this part of the story really has nothing to do with anything but it was by far one of the worst things I have ever done in my life. Story short, the second girl asked me to sadies and I rejected her because I liked the third girl at the time. Well my exact words were "maybe", I didn't know what to do back then. I was a boy, in addition a somewhat selfish one. The important lesson I took away from all of this is that... When someone put his/her heart on the line, treat it kindly. I still talk to the second girl from time to times. The whole incident still kind of haunts me till this day, but it shaped me into a better person. Oh I forgot to mention, I did end up going to sadies with her and had a wonderful time. Bittersweet memory I suppose...

Sorry, got a bit sidetracked. So what about the third girl? Well, I asked her to prom junior year. My feelings for her were up and down for a good three years. To be honest, I don't think she ever liked me. Which was kind of sad haha... but I mean I enjoyed her company. I talked to her everyday. I don't even remember what we talked about, but there was always something to talk about. Even though a part of me knew she doesn't like me, a part of me felt like if I just remained persistent...one day something would happen. That day never came. Eventually she got a boyfriend and I experienced my first heartbreak in freshmen year. After that I told myself I would put my heart on lock until after college...

Life was good being single, not really looking for any serious relationship. This all changed though, when I met the fourth girl. There was something about her... She had the best smile out of all the girls I have liked in the past. I loved her sense of humor and her subtle jokes. She was simple, but complex at the same time. She was geniuinely nice and that was hard to find. She had the look, the personality, she was the complete package. I only met her like couple months ago... but everything about her felt just right. Maybe that was the problem, she was too perfect. Everytime I hungout with her, I couldn't help but feel like I am intruding in her perfect life. Also, all her housemates were having troubles of their own... I felt like it would be inappropriate to talk about relationships with her. Besides that I don't really have any friends in common with her and she had only met me for a short period. So I tried my best to keep my feelings aside whenever I hungout with her. Of course, everything changed last week. She was going to be in socal the whole summer, I didn't know what to do. With all that bottled emotions, I went to her house at 2am in the morning and told her "I like her"...

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?! AT 2AM!? WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I had a whole speech planned out, but once she opened that door... My mind went blank. It was by far the most impulsive, spontaneous, erratic, unconsidered, unreasonable, UNPLANNED thing I have ever done. It was the first time I told a girl face to face I like her during the time I was still in love. If only it had been a little bit more romantic, instead of me trying to pull myself together the whole time. The whole experience must have been so awkward for her, but she was being so nice about it. She even gave me a hug at the end of the night...

The next day, I woke up... Proceeded to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, took a shower. I wasn't even sad about it. Everything felt like a dream. Unreal. Then the next day, I started to feel the repercussions. I couldn't help but wonder what if I never told her, would I have a better chance with her in the future? What if I presented myself differently, would her response be different? Maybe I needed more confidence? I should have opened up to her more and the list goes on...

Not everyone knows, but my favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast. Aside from the awesome action sequence, the beautiful musical, and the obvious moral lesson of how love shouldn't be shallow, Beauty and the Beast is a classic masterpiece. The Beast practically did everything wrong and still gets the girl in the end. Some might call that imprisonment, arrogant, persistent but it was all for love, nothing but love. It is worthy to note that the Beast did let Belle go back to town eventually and it was upon her choice of returning...

I feel like my relationship with her was kind of rocky from the very start and I am pretty sure I did just about everything wrong in front of her. But I guess a part of me was still clinging on to that last hope of a fairytale ending... In a sense, I am glad nothing more happened. Had she said yes, I would have gone down in history as the guy that had the most unromantic proposal. She deserves better than that. Of all the girls I have liked in the past that I should have taken a chance with, I am glad I took my chance with her. I honestly can't say I know her better than the other girls, but one thing is for sure... She appreciates the little things that I have done for her and that is all that matters. Where do I go from here? I don't know, but I think I will be fine...

21 years and counting...

Dive.

I don't know why. Took a chance, took a shot. Not enough. Jumped into the deep end for a change, I hear we live with what we run from...

On Hold.

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I don't know what she have been to me, but it sure feels like something good for me. She is like that missing piece of the puzzle that completes the perfect picture. There is something about the way she projects herself, she is like a perfume that fills the air with elegance. Her movements so delicate and the delivery of her words flow with eloquence. I can't help but feel like a beast because she is of all things beauty. She embeds the word fine in refine. I can't even compare because she is like a constant reminder of the change I want to see in me. All I can offer her is an unchanging piece of mind through fate or time. But this isn't a fairytale, this is actual. I feel like I am running out on borrowed time. Perhaps one day, all the love I give will come back to me if she is ever so kind. Meanwhile let me be an option that will always be, if she ever feels incline...

UP UP AND AWAY.

"UP" is an awesome movie. I don't even know where to begin... I think UP might be my new favorite pixar movie. It is that good. Just thinking about the movie makes me want to watch it again... All I can say is within the first 10 minutes of the movie, my heart melted. The movie is so uplifting, I wanted to believe the house can fly up with the balloons in the sky. UP definitely brings out the kid in me, but at the same time keeping the story real and sentimental for the more mature side of me haha. Not only did I finished an adventure, I travelled through all the different shades of emotion. Anyways, I am not going to spoil the movie for people that haven't watched it yet so I'll just end this entry with one of my favorite lines from the movie, "I hid under the porch because I love you"... hehehe UP is soooooooo awesome :]

Overdue.

Time to take a moment and reflect on my life... I guess life is pretty good right now. I don't know why I say "pretty" a lot. What I mean is, life is good. But there is always that uncertainty, sort of. I just want to be able to brace for whatever that may come my way, for better or worse. I  know sometimes I am confused too as to how my brain works. Anyways, I haven't updated for awhile so this will be a long entry... 

Definition of cheating: 

So the other day, I was hanging out at this girl's house. She had a bunch of magazines, so I picked one up and started reading. Girl magazines are so dirty. Anyways, while I was perusing I encountered this article on the definition of cheating. The article in a gist gives out all these situations and surveys from the readers as to whether or not one is cheating or not. Example such as, is it cheating if: He was dirty dancing with a girl, sex-texting, got a lapdance at a stripclub, sleeping on the same bed with a girl etc. I know most of these are really obvious, but these situations got me thinking about all the other possibilities. Recently one of my friend broke up with her boyfriend because she danced with another guy. She then proceed to hangout with the same guy like almost every single day. Is that cheating? I mean the obvious answer is no, because they broke up. But isn't that kind of like emotionally cheating? I don't know the whole story so I am not going to judge. Just something I was thinking about while reading the article... 

ETD POP.: 

Speaking of cheating, I had my own unexpected experience at ETD POP this year. So, I guess I was taking care of this girl. We were both having fun, dancing was okay, massaging was okay, but all of the sudden she wanted to makeout with me and that was not okay. I stopped every single time, but I don't know how I feel should feel about it. Like, this is like the first time I experienced the "it just happened" dilemma. If you don't know what I am talking about, "it just happened" refers to the situation that happens in chick flicks all the time, when this girl really likes this guy, and he is seen accidently kissing with another girl? He tries to explain to the girl, but all he can come up with is "it just happened". I am single, so technically it is not really cheating. But I felt like I was cheating because my heart belongs to another girl. I know, guys are stupid. I should have never put myself in the situation in the first place. I mean nothing really happened and I was taking care of her, the whole situation could have been much worse... 

But should I tell the girl I like what happened?! A part of me is really bothered by this, I don't know why. I really want to just tell her everything, but I am scared at the same time she might view me differently. Most certainly I am going to tell her in the future, that I am sure of though... 

Extraneous: 

While watching the NBA today, there was a short interview on Chris "Birdman" Andersen. He was banned from the NBA two years for using cocaine, meph and everything bad. But now he is sober and still flying high... that made me realized how much I have going for my life right now. I think it is time to for me to end a certain chapter of my life. Life is wonderful and I want to appreciate things just the way they are. Anyways, today I finally decided to check out Susan Boyle's performance to see what all the hype is about. All I can say is she did not disappoint, her voice was very alluring. I almost cried viewing the performance, there was something magical and enchanting about it. The song was very beautiful and her delivery was spot on... I don't care what other people say, she is 47 years old. I watched the clip knowing the performance was going to be good, but I never expected the performance to be such a delux delight... 

Understand.

So lately I have been contemplating... a lot about relationships. Sometimes I wonder what is the point of it all? I have seen so many relationships fall apart. I feel like a part of me has become a skeptic towards the whole concept of a contiguous love. There are certianly people out there that are just pure pleasure seekers that never bother to stop and look for love. I mean I don't know... being single all of my life, I feel like I am always in search of something. But everytime the opportunity arises, so many thoughts and questions about the future blitz into my mind. Sometimes I feel like it is as if my mind was paralyzed by the idea of love. Where is the what, if the what is the why? what? exactly. I want it bad, really bad. I just don't want to mess it up because of my indecisions. Forgive me for my indecisions. The idea of love has been in me for the longest time, but this is all brand new...

Random-ish-ness.

I mean seriously what is the point of playing cards if I already know the hands... I think my head finally calmed down a little bit, which is funny because I have a midterm in four more hours... I am really calm right now. I don't even know why I am contemplating about random stuff at this odd hour. Maybe my head just want to take a break and think about... happier thoughts. Oh the possibilities... Just kidding, but on the real though I feel like I am passed the infatuation phase. No one really cares, but to me this is like a major breakthrough. I feel like I can finally act more normal and comfortable around her without overwhelming myself with doubts. No girls like guys without confidence. Right? right! No girls like guys that approach them awkwardly. Right? right! Then again I am ridiculously calm right now, I feel like I stayed up way over my bedtime for my brain to actually filter anything through... But reading my last couple of entries I feel kind of ridiculous. Then again, I guess that is the fun part of it all, the little mind games my head is playing. I just haven't really felt this way about a girl in a really longtime. There are still a lot of questions I have for myself, but I feel like as long as I take it easy I will figure them out eventually. So, just take a deep breath, no need to panic :] Happy face, I have everything to gain and nothing to lose...