The End.

I am taking a break from this pathetic blog, need to focus on more important things in life. I feel like the more I write, the more I dwell on the past. So I am going to take a break, before my feelings start to linger...

Done.

A little sacrifice can go a long way, all for the better.

Grass.

It is killing me everything is black and white. Hard to see how the grass is greener on the other side when there isn't a flower planted...

"What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons"-A Beautiful Mind.

Fine Line.

Don't worry, I will make sure I won't cross the line this time...

"Just like a star across my sky, just like an angel off the page, You have appeared in my life. Feel like I'll never be the same, just like a song in my heart, just like oil on my hands, oh, I do love you"-Like a star, Corinne Bailey Rae.

Blank.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous"-Corinthians 13.

It is 2:30am, just had a talk with a friend. I don't really know how I feel about it. Maybe that is the problem. I don't know how I feel. The thing about love is sometimes what you want isn't really what you need... Or actually anybody's need. It is even more ridiculous because I play out these stupid scenarios in my head over and over again like a broken cassette player that won't stop. Sometimes I feel like I am beginning to get somewhere, then all it takes is a little reminder and I fall right back to where I started. I feel like I ended everything on a bad note, like a melody that wasn't finished or a blank patch on the canvas. I want to paint something new, but the uncertainty haunts me because following the brush strokes of a familiar path seem much more comfortable. I don't know why I keep on having these dilemmas, maybe I am just a fool that doesn't want to face the truth. Maybe that is why I left a blank spot on the canvas. I don't want to know the end when everything is concluded. I don't want to know how the picture is suppose to end. Even if I can paint that blank spot however I desire, I don't trust myself enough... Because I don't know what I want anymore. I want to change for the better, but tell me why do I feel this way...

"But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough 'cause it was not said to you and that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?"-Chasing Pavements, Adele.

Things.

Things that are too good to be true, are usually too good to be true...

Documentary: Finding Neverland.

Around half a year ago:
Situation: I need to find a place to live for the upcoming school year.

Reason: Two of my housemates are graduating.

Solution: I met person E through one of my housemate, who was also looking for a new place next year. Found a location that we can sublease to in a house that were filled with people we both know: A, B, C, D. Since person C and person D are moving out, we will replace them.

Condition of future house: Dirty, some rough stains on the carpet. Bathroom sticky. Smells like weed. Cleanable.

Condition in terms of beer pong: At least once a month.

Also around half a year ago:

Situation: Person F and person G decided to move into a townhouse that person H and person I lived in. Person I is moving out, thus freeing up the smaller room for person H to move in and person F and person G to move into the larger room.

Beginning of summer:

Situation: Turned in all the paperworks for the place. Confirmed I can move in on the 28th.

Reason: My deadline for moving out is 12pm on the 29th.

Condition of future house: Dirty, condition roughly the same.

Condition in terms of beer pong: Maybe twice a month.

Also beginning of summer:

Situation: Person G decided not to live with person F. Person F decided it would be better to get own room, thus taking over the smaller room person I is moving out from.

Day 8/27/9:

Situation: Got a text in the morning while working that I can move in on the 29th and a reminder to pay deposite money.

Reason: Person C did not pay attention to my deadline.

Solution: Decided to move only some of my boxes over.

Condition of future house: Extreme dirty, carpet stained, cat litter, broken dishwasher, toilet door missing, hole in bathroom door and wall reeks the stench of cigarettes.

Condition in terms of beer pong: At least once a week.

Solution: Talked to person E, agreed if I found a replacement I don't have to stay. Posted listing online.

Reason: Got into an argument with person C about deposite money, I felt it was unfair for me to pay for the mess that was made before me. Person C decided to lag on move out to 5pm on the 29th, a deadline I cannot make. I have to head back to the bay for work after the weekend. There was just no way for me to clean the place up, while cleaning my own apartment at the same time. Even if the place was cleaned to a liveable condition, there are still permanent damages in the house. Funny thing, people were over playing beer pong that night.

Day 8/28/9:

Situation: Person F agreed that I can room with him for a quarter and take over his lease. I got three replies from the listing I posted. Had a friend talk to person C about my perspective.

Solution: Found a person to take over my room and paid person C deposite money. I moved all my stuff to the new location.

Reason: I did not want to leave my previous agreed housemates paying for an empty room. It was interesting because when I was at the office with the person that was suppose to take over my lease, the office lady told me I did not sign the lease. All in all, I felt somewhat obligated to find someone before I leave, though it is not really my problem. I paid person C because I did not want to have a strain in our friendship. I felt sorry for person E, because a stranger is taking over my place instead.

Day 8/29/09:

Situation: Person F is still taking summer session, therefore needs a place to stay. Decided it would be best to move to the small room temporarily till session is over. I would come up after two weeks to help person H move into the small room.

Sometimes during the week:

Situation: Person J and Person K were going to live together in a two bedroom apartment. Person K decided last second to move out. Person J posted listings online.

Day 9/2/9:

Situation: Got a phone call at night from person F telling me I have to pay rent by the end of the week. Found out rent actually increased because there was an additional person living in the living room, which did not make any sense to me. Decided it would be safer for me to write the check in person, also person H already moved into the small room.

Solution: Drive up to Davis the next day after work to sort out the details and help move my stuff into the room.

Day 9/3/9:

Situation: Arrived at the new location, person F already moved furnitures into the big room. Found out even with the big room, I have hardily any space to place my desk. The only thing that really fits is my bed and maybe my minifridge. Checked out the bathroom for the first time and realized it was somewhat dirty. Also learned the hard way that it is ridiculously hard to find a parking for my car.

Condition of new house: Slightly dirty bathroom, toilet has stains and the bathtub has some moles.

Solution: I was not really happy with the living condition, just the whole ordeal about the rent, parking, sharing a room with someone and having four people living on one floor. I decided to look around for another place to stay. That afternoon, I helped my friend moved his mattress into his room and then finally got internet to look for a new place. Found on facebook that person J is looking for a housemate, so I texted. Got a reply back instantly saying I would be doing a huge favor to take over the room. Problem was that person H already moved into the small room and does not really want to move back to the big room. In the end, I compromised by agreeing to pay the difference between the big and the small room to person F in order to get out of my verbal agreement living with them.

Reason: I did not expect person H to move into the small room so quickly.

Day 9/4/9:

Situation: Finished moving in my furnitures, slept in the new apartment for the night early in the morning. When I woke up, got a call notifying me person E is moving to a new apartment. Huge relief because now I don't have to feel guilty about leaving. Amazing how everything worked out, I am extremely grateful for all my friends that were there to help me through...

Condition of future house: Spotless clean.

Actually, this one is for you...

Maybe.

I am just in love with the idea of her...

Figure it out.

"Later that day I got to thinking about stock market and dating. Are they really that different? If you have a bad stock, you could lose your shirt. If you have a bad date, you could lose your will to live. And if the date is good, the stake gets even higher. After weathering all the ups and downs, you could one day find yourself with nothing. So, when it comes to finance and dating, I couldn't help but wonder. Why do we keep investing?"-Sex and the City

What distinguishes human beings from the rest of the animal kingdom is probably the fact we possess one of the most malleable minds. Though this is true, our minds are also easily susceptible to irrational coercions. Especially when it comes to relationships, how often do we make senseless choices? Why do we keep on investing? Like stockholders holding on to downward stocks, more often or not people hold on to doomed relationships. A lot of this has to do with the idea of loss aversion, that people have a tendency to prefer avoiding losses than acquiring gains. I mean who doesn't want to see things in rose-tinted glasses? The coulds, the ifs, the maybes. Letting something go is like admitting to a loss. But like that song by shinedown, "Sometimes goodbye is a second chance"... If there is anything I learned from watching the awesome movie (500) days of summer, it is that life goes on. There is no point in dwelling on something that makes you feel unhappy, a new start is always out there if you are open for new chances. Everything I type here is hypothetically speaking of course, like most things in life everything is easier said than done. Emotions always get in the way, no one is rational when they are in love. I don't even know why I am hanging on... Can you even hold onto something that isn't there?

Desperate Houseboy.

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time"-Fight Club.

The highlight of my day officially revolves around doing simple household chores. I never thought this day would come, at least not this early into my summer vacation. While I was almost ecstatic a week ago dreaming of a well-deserved break, like a dog letting off a leash into freedom, I soon realized my freedom was confined by my boredom. I am not a stranger to boredom. In fact, for as long as I remember... I loved doing absolutely nothing. I can almost compare my lifestyle to that of a pig: eat, bath, sleep, repeat. But now that I am older, I am beginning to cherish the transient value of time much more. I recall watching "The 650 Pound Virgin" and one of the questions I had while watching it was, how did he get that way in the first place? Well, Rome wasn't built in one day. But while his case might be extreme, who doesn't indulge in the joy of laziness once in awhile? I certainly am guilty of it. Laziness is like an addiction, the key is to stop the onset early before one falls into a downward spiral of abysmal slump... Anyways, to keep myself busy I bought two books to read for the summer. I should start a book-reading club haha. Besides that, I have decided to keep myself in shape with the one hundred pushups challenge. Also, I am going to volunteer at the local hospital depending on my friday interview. Got my TB test done today, I pray that it doesn't swell... that would suck lots...

80/20.

I first heard about the 80/20 rule from my housemate. The axiom in a gist states that supposedly you are going out with a person, she might be perfect, less than, or not. Assumption is that she satisfies you 80%, despite the trivial percentage, you will always be curious about the other 20%. So eventually, you dump what was your 80 to pursue the 20, only to find that you were content with the 80 but things can never go back like the way it was before. The 80/20 rule serves as a reminder to prevent such situation from happening...

Ideally, everyone wants to find that perfect someone out there. But in a world with roughly 6.77 billion people, what are the chances? The chance of finding a perfect girl is near impossible, for the most part the 80/20 rule is practical. However, the 80/20 rule actually originates from economics. The specific presumption states that to achieve higher productivity one should only focus on the 20. The obvious dilemma, there is no way of knowing exactly how much the 80 is worth if you don't know the 20 and the chance of finding the perfect girl increases after each succession, presumptively...

Like most things, there are two sides to every story. In a sense, what it comes down to is how much an individual values the relationship. There are always trade-offs and no one is perfect. It just saddens me sometimes I see my friends date horrible people and settle down. I never really say anything because they clearly find some sort of meaning despite all the mess. On the other hand, there are individuals that never appreciate anything and are always on a chase...

In many ways, the 80/20 rule is very much like a visit to an ice-cream shop. Girls are like the different flavors that can be selected and sampled. So many flavors out there to try, how do you know which one is your favorite? For me, I already know what my favorite flavor is. It never gets old and it is the only thing I ask for whenever I am in an ice-cream shop. I am actually on a diet right now, so sticking with the non-fat yogurt. But I still get the cravings for some good ol' ice-cream from time to times :]

Cupcake Carcrash.

So after I bought some cupcakes for my friend today at Sprinkles, I managed to get myself in a car accident. The scenario went down like this, I was backing out of my parking space. As usual, the parking lot consists of a two way traffic flow, a debatable point I will get back on later. There was already another car waiting for me in the back when I was backing out, this car was on the right lane. When I backed out my car, I wanted to turn right so instead of exiting the busy street I can weave my way through traffic and find a less occupied exit. But while I was backing out, the car behind the car that was waiting for my spot decided to drive up through the left lane. So this moment in time, my car was turned to the right with nowhere to go because both lanes were blocked. The only solution then for me is to park my car in again, back out, and make a left into the street instead of right. I did just that. But what do you know? While backing out, the car in the left lane decided to drive for whatever reason. The aftermath was a dent on the right front fender, my car was scratch free...

The real story begins here. I got out of my car to talk to the people from the other car. I was a little bit frustrated because for starter, the accident happened because some people have no etiquette and patience at driving. Anyways, so I went to the window of the passenger side and the first thing the lady said to me was, "I have cancer. I just got out of chemo therapy. Do you want to exchange insurance information?" that caught me completely off guard. So for the next ten minutes or so, I was like apologizing to her. I told her I didn't want to go through insurance. For some reason, all of the sudden everything felt like my fault. I even sent an email to her apologizing. But the thing is... now I think about it, I don't think it was my fault at all. Her driver was arguing that because there was not a yellow-dotted line on the road, it was not a two way traffic. But that is just ridiculous, aside from that Mrs. Cancer lady wasn't even the one driving...

Everytime I would state my case and talk about it with the driver, Mrs. Cancer lady would be like, "I can't handle this right now". The driver even asked me this stupid question, "why did you back your car in again?" I mean, are you serious... first you blocked traffic, second you went against the traffic, how is it any of it my fault? If anything, I am the victim of an impulsive driver that did not followed the traffic rules. Anyways, I am not exactly sure if I am at fault or not because I did hit the side of her car. I am pretty sure if she hit my car first, then that would be a completely different story. I think I am actually going to talk to my insurance about it. I have a lot of sympathy for people, but I am also an honest person. Seriously though, just because someone have cancer does not mean they are always right... and to use that as leverage in an argument, I don't know what to think...

Postscript: After talking to my insurance agent, I found out the car accident was not my fault. She told me to stop contacting the lady, email and phone. If she still thinks it is my fault, she can file for her insurance claim and explain the situation to her insurance agency. The lady did not give me her driver's information and license plate number, so I cannot trust her by exchanging information with her through the phone. The most reliable way is to wait for the insurance call. With that being said, I guess I will be spending the remainder of summer waiting for that call...

Night 7/9/9.

Tried my first Liquid Cocain at the bar yesterday, the 151 was quite a sensation. Afterwards went to Ketmoree, the infamous bar in Davis where dirty dancing happens on a thursday night. The set-up of the place was not bad. This was actually the first time I got in, previous attempts have been cut short due to my lack of patience waiting in line to get grind on. I was never really into the whole idea of dancing in a bar. Yesterday was no different, so I decided last minute to watch the midnight showing of Brüno with couple drunk friends. Good thing I was kind of gone when I watched the movie or else I would have remembered many more instances of a certain male body part flashing on the big screen. Overall the movie was alright, the high-rating on rottentomatoes was kind of hyped. I couldn't help but wonder whom the target audience for Brüno are. All I can say is, the movie was pretty gay even from a homosexual standpoint...

Friend.

"Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago. Everything is changing."-The Raw Shark Texts, Steven Hall.

Question: How do you really know someone?

I don't think there is any possible way to know someone completely. I mean that is the beauty of being alive right? You never know when people will surprise you. So I started off this entry aiming at a discussion on couple relationships, but today I did something really stupid and it made me ponder why I did it. Basically I put salt on my wrist and pressed it really hard with ice, the result is a numb wrist and a scar. My friend told me it is a "rite of passage", I did it without any questions asked. Afterwards, it kind of makes me wonder... Why am I always down to do stupid shit with my friends?! Then I realized, it is because we share a tacit agreement. I trust them. I mean that is really all you can ask for in any relationship. No matter what I do, they will always have my back. No matter how long I haven't hangout with them, everytime I head back home I can kick it with them like it was yesterday. A friend really is just a long and close companion...

I finally figured this out. I want to be your friend, even if I am just a friend. I was too attached to the ideas and the outcomes. I guess sometimes I am just too stubborn to think I can free myself from these attachments along the string of consequences. I mean, how often do we make mistakes of thinking what we want is actually what we need? Sometimes the most selfless thing is also the most selfish thing. If there is anything to take away, I was being selfish. There are so many opportunities to get to know you more as a person if I just open myself up to the possibilities. I was too attached and fixated on what will happen in the end that I completely forgot what it means to be a friend... Hope I am not too late...

"I could have met you in a sandbox. I could have passed you on the sidewalk. Could I have missed my chance and watched you walked away?"-Love song for no one, John Mayer.

Summer 6/28.

Only the first week of summer session... for some reason it feels ridiculously slow. Life is somewhat lacking in variety, partly due to the burning sensation coming from the sun that consumes slowly through the brim of my sanity. A lot of times I have these awesome ideas such as jogging in the park, only to find that once I opened the door I am immediately swept away by a chariot of fire. I never felt so drained before, can't wait till I am done with everything so I can be baptized by the ocean and splash my new life away at the beach... Oh how wonderful it is to listen to the waves crashing in-and-out and to enjoy the chill summer breeze. Just five more weeks left...