Summer 6/28.

Only the first week of summer session... for some reason it feels ridiculously slow. Life is somewhat lacking in variety, partly due to the burning sensation coming from the sun that consumes slowly through the brim of my sanity. A lot of times I have these awesome ideas such as jogging in the park, only to find that once I opened the door I am immediately swept away by a chariot of fire. I never felt so drained before, can't wait till I am done with everything so I can be baptized by the ocean and splash my new life away at the beach... Oh how wonderful it is to listen to the waves crashing in-and-out and to enjoy the chill summer breeze. Just five more weeks left...

EVOL Backwards.

Just sitting on my bed right now... I can't sleep. Don't you hate it when that happens? For some odd reason, I have all these clouded thoughts in my head. I don't really know what to do about them, so figure I will just start typing away... maybe they would make more sense afterwards.

So recently I turned 21, still a boy and counting. This begs the big question: Why am I still single? Okay, part of the reason is because I want it that way. I will elaborate on that later. But the other part scares me... What if I am inadequate for love?

Am I? I don't know. Let's examine my love life, or lack-of. From highschool till now I only really liked four girls. The first girl, she was this hot korean girl in my history and algebra class. I actually don't really remember how this story began. I was really shy back then and for some I-still-don't-know-till-this-day reason she found out that I liked her. It was ironic because I wasn't really a popular kid, but she managed to find my sn. So we talked. Nothing really happened though because our social groups were too different. Back then I was only four years integrated into the system, dating a girl like her was way out of my league. I was still talking with a somewhat broken english, in fact I think my hair was still brown back then. She was whitewashed, had a popular white ex-boyfriend, white friends, you get the idea. I didn't have enough confidence to tell her how I feel about her face to face. Still, I bought her a teddy bear on her birthday, a necklace on valentine's day, and numerous candy grams for no apparent reason even after I moved on... I guess that was my way of sending her a friendly gesture. Last time I talked to her was before college, she was deciding which sorority to pledge.

Now I think about it, all of the girls I have liked in highschool are in a different sorority. Isn't that interesting? Anyways the second girl I liked, we actually started out as friends. She was cute in her own ways. It was the first time I felt all tingly inside. I met her through family friend and youth group. Like I said, she was pretty cute. But things didn't start to get serious until one summer, our parents decided to sign the both of us up for art programs in San Francisco. Each day on the train I would learn something new about her and she would tell me about her boy problems. It was the first time I found out I was a pretty good listener. It was also the first time I found out how much listening to someone that you have feelings for talking about someone else sucked. I didn't want to proclaim my feelings for her back then because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendships. And so our friendship lasted and I never made a move...

What happened next? Well things got a little bit more complicated. So thinking I would never get with the second girl, I guess my heart just moved on with time. This is when the third girl I liked entered the story. She was really pretty and for some reason I was attracted to her sarcasm. Now, this part of the story really has nothing to do with anything but it was by far one of the worst things I have ever done in my life. Story short, the second girl asked me to sadies and I rejected her because I liked the third girl at the time. Well my exact words were "maybe", I didn't know what to do back then. I was a boy, in addition a somewhat selfish one. The important lesson I took away from all of this is that... When someone put his/her heart on the line, treat it kindly. I still talk to the second girl from time to times. The whole incident still kind of haunts me till this day, but it shaped me into a better person. Oh I forgot to mention, I did end up going to sadies with her and had a wonderful time. Bittersweet memory I suppose...

Sorry, got a bit sidetracked. So what about the third girl? Well, I asked her to prom junior year. My feelings for her were up and down for a good three years. To be honest, I don't think she ever liked me. Which was kind of sad haha... but I mean I enjoyed her company. I talked to her everyday. I don't even remember what we talked about, but there was always something to talk about. Even though a part of me knew she doesn't like me, a part of me felt like if I just remained persistent...one day something would happen. That day never came. Eventually she got a boyfriend and I experienced my first heartbreak in freshmen year. After that I told myself I would put my heart on lock until after college...

Life was good being single, not really looking for any serious relationship. This all changed though, when I met the fourth girl. There was something about her... She had the best smile out of all the girls I have liked in the past. I loved her sense of humor and her subtle jokes. She was simple, but complex at the same time. She was geniuinely nice and that was hard to find. She had the look, the personality, she was the complete package. I only met her like couple months ago... but everything about her felt just right. Maybe that was the problem, she was too perfect. Everytime I hungout with her, I couldn't help but feel like I am intruding in her perfect life. Also, all her housemates were having troubles of their own... I felt like it would be inappropriate to talk about relationships with her. Besides that I don't really have any friends in common with her and she had only met me for a short period. So I tried my best to keep my feelings aside whenever I hungout with her. Of course, everything changed last week. She was going to be in socal the whole summer, I didn't know what to do. With all that bottled emotions, I went to her house at 2am in the morning and told her "I like her"...

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?! AT 2AM!? WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I had a whole speech planned out, but once she opened that door... My mind went blank. It was by far the most impulsive, spontaneous, erratic, unconsidered, unreasonable, UNPLANNED thing I have ever done. It was the first time I told a girl face to face I like her during the time I was still in love. If only it had been a little bit more romantic, instead of me trying to pull myself together the whole time. The whole experience must have been so awkward for her, but she was being so nice about it. She even gave me a hug at the end of the night...

The next day, I woke up... Proceeded to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, took a shower. I wasn't even sad about it. Everything felt like a dream. Unreal. Then the next day, I started to feel the repercussions. I couldn't help but wonder what if I never told her, would I have a better chance with her in the future? What if I presented myself differently, would her response be different? Maybe I needed more confidence? I should have opened up to her more and the list goes on...

Not everyone knows, but my favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast. Aside from the awesome action sequence, the beautiful musical, and the obvious moral lesson of how love shouldn't be shallow, Beauty and the Beast is a classic masterpiece. The Beast practically did everything wrong and still gets the girl in the end. Some might call that imprisonment, arrogant, persistent but it was all for love, nothing but love. It is worthy to note that the Beast did let Belle go back to town eventually and it was upon her choice of returning...

I feel like my relationship with her was kind of rocky from the very start and I am pretty sure I did just about everything wrong in front of her. But I guess a part of me was still clinging on to that last hope of a fairytale ending... In a sense, I am glad nothing more happened. Had she said yes, I would have gone down in history as the guy that had the most unromantic proposal. She deserves better than that. Of all the girls I have liked in the past that I should have taken a chance with, I am glad I took my chance with her. I honestly can't say I know her better than the other girls, but one thing is for sure... She appreciates the little things that I have done for her and that is all that matters. Where do I go from here? I don't know, but I think I will be fine...

21 years and counting...

Dive.

I don't know why. Took a chance, took a shot. Not enough. Jumped into the deep end for a change, I hear we live with what we run from...

On Hold.

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I don't know what she have been to me, but it sure feels like something good for me. She is like that missing piece of the puzzle that completes the perfect picture. There is something about the way she projects herself, she is like a perfume that fills the air with elegance. Her movements so delicate and the delivery of her words flow with eloquence. I can't help but feel like a beast because she is of all things beauty. She embeds the word fine in refine. I can't even compare because she is like a constant reminder of the change I want to see in me. All I can offer her is an unchanging piece of mind through fate or time. But this isn't a fairytale, this is actual. I feel like I am running out on borrowed time. Perhaps one day, all the love I give will come back to me if she is ever so kind. Meanwhile let me be an option that will always be, if she ever feels incline...